Hats

I dislike them

I know a guy, who is obsessed with hats. He talks about them constantly, providing a great source of entertainment as he waxes eloquently about the different styles and colors he’s bought over the years.

Growing up, I never owned a single hat, except for my cub scouts topper and when I played little league. Outside of that I never wore them.

In the military my first four years I wore a dark blue beret like this chap:

That right there is an amazing museum display, where they got every attention to detail right, down to the handcuff case, and the little clear plastic bottle on the belt that had our ear plugs inside. The whistle hung from the pocket, badges, ascot, it’s all there. That is the uniform I wore for 4 years guarding one third of our nuclear triad.

It’s the only military hat I actually liked, strangely enough, I thought it made us look professional.

I hated the other military hats we were expected to wear, especially with our dress uniforms, our “blues”. One made us look like greyhound bus drivers, and the other had a quite unflattering name referencing a specific part of the females anatomy in a rather crude fashion. Yes, it’s the C word.

Retiring from the Air Force, I was no longer bound to the rules of hat adornment, and I don’t own one.

Until I joined the Freemasons.

It’s been an adventure trying to find a hat that doesn’t look completely stupid, my head is just not made for chapeaus.

The first hat I bought for my term as the Worshipful Master of my lodge (guy in charge) was heavily influenced by the TV show breaking bad.

I went to Bernie Utz hat store in downtown Seattle (sadly they went out of business during covid) and bought the Heisenberg hat, more commonly known as a pork pie hat. My idea, at least for my first meeting was to stand up at the podium, put on the hat and a pair of black sunglasses, and pronounce “I am the one who knocks” before banging the gavel for the first time.

I don’t think anyone heard me, but I enjoyed it.

But I don’t really like how it looks on my melon head.

The second hat I bought was what is called a Coachman’s hat.

Traditionally Masons wore Top Hats. This is a similar style, but the crown is about half the height of a top hat.

While I like the hat, it’s a cheap costume hat with a plastic liner to hold it’s shape. It’s ok, but uncomfortable, as the shape doesn’t give, and it presses in on the front and back while having a finger sized gap on the sides.

On line hat companies don’t offer specific sizes, which compounds the problem. You can only get S, M, L, XL, etc and each size covers about 1/2 an inch of hat sizes, which means you’re either dealing with a hat too large or too small.

And if you want a proper custom hat, you’re gonna pay for it, and dearly. And once you get it, there’s no guarantee it will look good.

I would like a proper Stetson, but my God those things cost an arm and a leg, and the current styles have these huge brims, which I think look ridiculous on me.

I’ve been looking for a different style hat online, but every single hat I like are hats that won’t fit, or cost a two night stay in Waikiki.

I finally did find a hat style I liked, that also was featured on TV, that also appears to be sized properly to fit my head. It’s called the Solomon’s Hat, based on Tom Hardy’s character in the hit TV show Peaky Blinders.

It wasn’t very expensive, which is a plus. It’s similar to the coachman’s, but with a rounded top crown instead of flat. It should be here in a few days, it’s being shipped.

Nowadays, 99% of men’s fashion revolves around the ubiquitous baseball cap, a style I’m just not into. And society no longer has proper hats as part of a real man’s dress. Thus, much like Bernie Utz, the brick and mortar stores have faded away and places (like Men’s Wearhouse) that does offer hats, the supplies and styles are extremely limited.

Such a shame. Most men don’t even own a suit. The only suit I owned when I left the military was an outfit I bought for job interviews. I never wore it outside of that.

So, while my friend is an aficionado men’s hats, I am slowly dipping my toes into collections.

Are you a hat person? What is your preferred style?